Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Getting Right With God

For all of you who don't know about the Funny Times, it is a jewel of a newspaper that is printed once a month. We have been getting it at our house for 10+ years now (I think). Every month we fight over who gets to read it first. I have given subscriptions to a number of friends throughout the years, and all have loved it (of course none were Republicans or Fundies).

Anyway the the gem below is stolen word for word from the most recent Funny Times. I am sure I am breaking someone's copyright, but hopefully the advertising will overcome this minor law breaking.



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"Dear President Bush,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutuional amendment banning same sex marriage. As yoou said, "In the eyes of God, marriage is based between a man and a woman. " I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchaed from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think a fair price would be for her?

3. I know that I am not allowed to contact with a woman while she is in her period of mentrual uncleanness (Lev. 15:19-24) The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a less abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination.

7. Lev. 21:20 sates that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to b e 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Could we just burn them death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Sincerely,
Joe Public

Thanks to Ben Rosow, who found this letter mixed in with his mail, and forwarded it to the proper authorities."

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